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Chorley's Rich & Famous
 
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When I was an MP I used to spend most of my dinners in Noble's amusements mainly because you got free tea and coffee if you played on the machines. From a poltical point of view it was a good place to meet the socially, physically and intellectually disadvantaged who were usually only too keen to tell you all about their problems and betting strategies.

It was here I first read the Daily Star and developed my fascination with minor celebrities. I began to collect newspaper cuttings and record any gossip I heard in the amusement arcade, but I often received contradictory information and I will not rest, for the sake of the people as much as my own, untill I have finally discovered the truth.

celebrity newswire : latest data

Click to see your favourite stars:
Phil Cool


Reg Holdsworth


Belstaff


Lovejoy


Clive


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Phil's is still believed to be living in Coppull. He was once successful on the local pub and club circuit, but once on television he pulled one "funny" face too many. The diabolical "Cool Head" series aired at the turn of the 90's, ensured he would never work on television again.
The people were not prepared to tolerate another decade of Phil Cool; or so we thought, as incredibly he has recently resurfaced in the middle of the night on a programme where he teaches other people comedy. Some predicted armageddon on the turn of the millennium, and the fact that Phil Cool is preparing for a comeback suggests were are entering a dark era indeed. Also, I spoke to one of his relatives recently who told me he was currently touring New Zealand.

Recent Phil Cool data:

Name:Tron
Comment:
I saw him on an aeroplane
20.1.2005
Name:Jake
Comment:
He's in panto with Bobby Ball's brother.
Date Unknown
Name:dave
Comment:
I love cool
Date Unknown
Name:LH
Comment:
Phil Cool turned up at my parent's silver wedding anniversary uninvited because he knew the band. My dad also urinated next to him and asked him to tell some jokes to which he replied "I don't know any" in a pissed off sort of way.
Date Unknown

Though not a TV celebrity and definitely not rich, Belstaff is certainly a face on the local scene and has been featured many times in the Chorley Guardian, who usually print false information about him, like the time they claimed he had just graduated from Leeds University with a PhD in Robotics and Cybernetic Engineering.
If you want the hard facts, click here to read 'The Cult of Belstaff'. One of Belstaff's many claims to fame is that he had engaged in a bare knuckle fist fight in Reg Holdsworth's garden and he also has a law named after him...
"Belstaff is well known for bad luck, which has resulted in the phrase Belstaff's Law, which might be the same as Murphy's law, I don't know, was Murphy the kind of guy who got regularly beaten by strangers? If so, then he sounds very much like Belstaff."(from 'The Cult of Belstaff')

Recent Belstaff data:

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Clive began by teaching children how to dance in a small room above what was then the New Imperial pub. Though he is best known for his erotic dancing on the hit TV show, 'The Hitman and Her', in which he teased men and women alike, with his tiny florescent yellow trunks and his trademark blonde wig, reminiscent of a lion's mane. It was a powerfull image. Millions of viewers tuned in each week to watch Clive jack his body, and it is no coincidence that when he left, ratings plummeted and the programme, quite frankly, became an embarrassment.
I don't know how or if Clive is employed these days, but the nineties have not been kind to the towns other top celebrities and I fear the worst.

Recent Clive data:

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Reg has recently moved from his house on Park Road, next door to his mother, to a Southfork style residence in Whittle-le-Woods. Allegedly, the move to a quieter area, was instigated by repeated abuse from local teenagers. I have also seen adults give Reg a hard time. Some might say by wearing loud American sportswear and driving around in a pink Cadillac, he was asking for it. When he lived on Park Road he was often seen in the Townley Arms, a pub well known for lock-ins.
Thankfully his acting career seems to over, apart from the odd Coronation Street Christmas special. He has also started a second hand car business somewhere on Preston Road. He probably envisaged a life selling American classic cars to the young sexually undernourished wives of aristocrats. The reality is that he sells £200 bangers to whoever will buy them. However I do know that he is still rich, because a friend of mine handles his bank account, though for some reason his account is the name of his alias, Ken.

Recent Reg Holdsworth data:

Name:JW
Comment:
Sorry to be tiresome, but I have also had a run in with Reg Holdsworth. I was urinating in a primary school playground, when Reg came around the corner and stared at me. Having spotted my penis, he quickly looked away and moved on without comment, with a slight look of surprise on his face. I would like to point out that the school was closed at the time and that neither myself nor Mr. Holdsworth regularly engage in exposure/voyuerism - type shennanigans outside educational establishments.
21.1.2005
Name:AT
Comment:
I too have met that all round multi-media, car selling celebrity called Reg Holdsworth. I was in the Townley Arms participating in a game of pool with a friend whilst he watched from the sidelines/bar. Unfortunately the pressure of having a star spectating our game made us both play very badly. After miss cueing the white for the fourth time in a game he was heard to comment that we were "shit" and turned his back for the rest of the evening.
21.1.2005
Name:GC
Comment:
My favourite experience was chatting to a friend at the urinals in the Townley Arms, with a tasteful one urinal gap between us. Reg Holdsworth walked in wearing a ludicrous bright green baseball jacket and occupied the gap. The converstaion stopped instantly and was replaced by thinly veiled laughter.
21.1.2005

Lovejoy's father once played for Manchester United. Instead of doing the right thing and retiring, he humiliated himself in progressively lower divisions. At some point he played for Chorley. During Lovejoy's father's time at Victory Park, Lovejoy was once the team mascot. It is believed that Lovejoy's family lived in Blackburn and it is unknown whether he visited Chorley again; perhaps to solve an antiques related crime.
Much like Phil Cool, the nineties saw his career take a significant downturn, though I'm sure he's still a phenomenal success with the ladies. In spite of all his achievements, he'd probably say that standing on the sacred turf of Victory Park, providing some light half time entertainment, was the proudest moment of his career.

Recent Lovejoy data:

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Was originally part of the Armitage Sharks. A Runshaw College based band that never performed together; featuring members who, if they could play an instrument at all, certainly never did so in the presence of the other band members. He then disappeared into obscurity to write a book about 'ideaspace' and somehow ended up getting taken in by a kindly group of gypsies who gave him his first job - trainee baloon salesman.

Recent Lee Cabinet data:

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There are wide varying reports of northerner's notherner and rugby star Beaumont, particulary concerning his addresss, and I really don't know what to believe. I can confirm, however, that he is a share holder of Chorley and District Building Society. If you have any information regarding Beaumont, please let us know.

Recent Bill Beaumont data:

Name:A.T.
Comment:
The last I heard Sir Bill was working at the family firm, which has factories in Chorley & Adlington, and living in Adlington."
Date Unknown
Name:D.R.
Comment:
Bill Beaumont, as far as I am aware, lives, or at least lived, in Longton near Preston.
Date Unknown
Name:J.C.
Comment:
I believe he now lives on an old barge - Spending his days recounting long lost days of sporting ecstacy to local kids out on a school night trying to score some glue.
Date Unknown
Name:Steph
Comment:
Thought i should let you know that just last week, i spotted our most famous question of sport presenter in chorleys branch of woolworths, browsing through the calculators, especially interested at a rather nice 6.99 model. the friendly shop assistant then told me she once sold him a south american type cd, entitled "under latin skies" if i remember rightly. she was rather chuffed with herself.
Date Unknown

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