How would global warming affect Central Lancashire?

You get this a lot as a publican, especially in a pub like the Parker's Arms, where people go to talk issues and play darts rather than drink floor cleaner and behave like an orangutang. So I guess I know as much as anyone, especially the so called scientists who are under the illusion that they can master the laws of the galaxy just by reading books. I live and breathe technology and know that the universe cannot be explained away by solving this or that logic puzzle and endless theorising over the odd self-important dimension. My mailbag is full of letters on the subject. For example, Sally from Blackrod writes:

"I don't see why everyone thinks global warming is such a big deal. What's wrong with being warm? All I hear is about Bangladesh getting flooded. Why don't they just move to Russia or something?"

Well, due to global warming during the first 2 decades of the 21st century, rising sea levels will flood most of the Lancastrian plains resulting in Astley Park pond becoming a lake larger than Windermere, probably filling the area between Parbold Hill, Blackrod, the Nab and Clayton Brook. From about 2007 property prices in Wheelton, Heapy and other areas of high elevation will begin to soar and prefab concrete housing blocks
will begin to be build up the slopes of Winter Hill, but not quickly enough to meet demand.

Ironically the streets of the Liptrott estate, such as Buttermere that were once such a misnomer, of the Liptrott estate will become the first submerged, forming a vast malarial swamp. The people displaced would therfore, likely be of a lowly socio-economic persuasion, unable to afford to relocate to the damp-free hilltops. The strong would be forced into crime, leaving the weak and elderly to scavenge for gudgeon and scraps of kelp.

A state of anarchy would quickly develop, in which the bourgeoisie would erect electric fences and stockpile automatic weapons to protect their sizeable real-estate investments against the increasingly militant ranks of the wretched and dispossessed. Law and order would collapse, the centres of government would relocate to a bunker beneath the Winter Hill TV mast and even white-collar men would fight to the death over a half eaten trout. Licking the backs of hallucinogenic toads and wood carving, would gradually replace bitter and darts as popular pastimes. The fact that such a bunker has probably already been built is a clear sign that Chorley Council are preparing for such an eventuality.

So by 2015 life in the counties lowlands would have already become a desperate aquatic free for all, it being necessary to adapt to survive. As the sea closes in, it will then be those who can hold their breath underwater for the longest or have webbed feet who will be most likely to reproduce. Most of the day would be spent in the water, returning to the new islands, such as the top of the police station, only to sleep and to fornicate. Also, during this stage the main source of food would be clams and whelks.

However it is during the ten years after 2015 that we will notice the most disturbing effects of global warming. It is a fact that Britain's nuclear facilities are pumping radioactive heavy metals, for example Technesium, into the sea and such material becomes concentrated in the shell fish that will become the staple diet for the majority of 21st century Lancastrians. Another fact is that radiation causes cell mutation and so rapidly accelerates evolutionary change.

According to laboratory tests, the generations born after 2029 will develop gills and green skin, better suited to an amphibious life style. Of course isolated pockets of humans, as we now know them, will probably survive in the Pennine archipelago well into the next century, but their future is uncertain.